The Archive

Before I submitted to Sir and restarted this blog, I was lost and exploring who I was and what I wanted. I had a variety of one-off encounters, many different thoughts and opinions, some fun erotica, and all of it was an important part of exploring who I was and who I was to become. Here are the posts from that era.

Archived Category: Reflections

Miscellaneous thoughts on my kinkhood.

Recent posts are shown first. Show posts chronologically to read things in order.

On Personal Growth, The Gym, and Taking Orders

I’ve mentioned before that I believe a man, and especially a boy, must continually work to improve himself and grow. Over the last couple of years, my two key areas of growth have been in my submission (however slow that process), and fitness. For the former, I might have more updates in the new year, […]

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Another Way I Know I’m a Sub/Boy

There are lots of little vignettes of how I know – I mean how I truly know – that I’m a “boy.” I guess it’s a lot like the question of how one knows he’s gay. It just feels right, everything clicks, and performing the work or hearing the words just feels natural, it makes one feel […]

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Shame, Kink, and Privacy

Leatherati has had some interesting articles lately on kink shame; and I’ve seen a (somewhat obnoxious) video floating around espousing the basic tenets of coming out as kinky to friends or family. And then yesterday rauber wrote a personal post about his own tussle with privacy over his kinky interests. So it all got me to thinking about my own perspective on kink, privacy, and shame.

Ever since I accepted that I was gay, I’ve not felt ashamed of myself. That didn’t mean I instantly came out of the closet, though. I have a life-long policy of not debating fundamentalists, or really even listening to them, so I didn’t outright tell my family not for fear or shame, but because I didn’t want to deal with their judgmental ignorance. But that was a mistake, because my being gay isn’t a phase, or a choice, or a passing interest. It’s my identity. Who I love is who I am. And those I loved deserved to know that. Today, I don’t exactly leave a glitter trail wherever I go, but I don’t shy away from describing my husband. This is a part of my identity, and I’m not ashamed of it.

But the fact is, I don’t apply the same standard to my kink. Yes, being a kinkster is a part of who I am, but I don’t feel the same need to announce it to everyone who passes by. Kink, leather, submission or BDSM do not make up the whole of my identity. What I do — in the bedroom, dungeon, conference, hotel — is not who I am. For most people, it’s none of their business. I don’t ask my family how they like to have sex, and I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business how I like to have sex. But if I was ever asked, or if the concept of kink and BDSM came up with friends (because it just never would with family … it just wouldn’t), I would defend it and describe it for those who are uninformed. Because I do believe that the kinky community is misunderstood and often maligned. And I would freely admit my interest, in context, because I’m not ashamed of it, I just enjoy my privacy.

Scene Names
In his article on the topic, Loren Berthelsen brings up a lot of concepts in a very short article. How do we deal with events, say, if going to IML and being asked why you’re traveling to Chicago. Do we just say “a convention” or do we describe exactly what IML is. And for that matter, what is IML? I think for those of us who travel to events like that, we are choosing to shed some of our right to privacy and have that responsibility to educate those who might be interested. But there’s a difference between being open and educational and ramming it down people’s throats. Just as those of us who wrestle with dual gay-Christian identities have to disassociate our love from our sex for the sex-obsessed fundamentalists, we kinksters need to be able to describe the community and enthusiast aspects of our events without leading people to being that kink-cons are just great big orgies (even if they are great big orgies … it’s all about proper messaging).

(more after the jump)

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When Your Ex Starts Doing Porn

You know what’s weird?

When you’re clicking through your daily porn feed and see a picture, thinking to yourself, “Huh, that guy looks like my ex-boyfriend D—,” and on closer inspection, realize that it is, in fact, your ex-boyfriend tied to that table and getting poked, prodded and fucked.

You know what’s even weirder?

When your ex has chosen your real life, unusually-spelled first name as his porn pseudonym. If you Google my first name you aren’t going to find that many people. An artist here, a eastern European airplane engine manufacturer there, a nonprofit doing good things over yonder. You find me, and now if you click a page or two deeper, you find my ex tied up and hanging from the rafters.

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Boy Becoming

In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away at the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.  — Michelangelo They say that […]

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You Should Have Fun With It

Sorry for a light week of fluff posts – it’s been that kind of week. Not without its fun, though, as I’ve been “practicing” with butt plugs so that my husband can more easily fuck me, which is always a more fun way to work. As for the lack of a new submitted chapter, I […]

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Embracing My Shy Side

I want to do so much. And aside from the occasional concern about safety and all that jazz, I don’t have a lot of hang-ups, sexually. My biggest problem is that I’m “shy” – which I’ve made mention of in passing before. Mainly, though, I’m shy socially. Not a lot of self confidence. I think […]

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New Year, Now What?

So I’ve been absent – from pretty much everything – for the last few months. Except for Twitter and my porno-tumbler-feed (which is pretty much on auto-pilot), I’ve just been too busy to blog, to sexplore, to anything fun or kinky. Between getting used to life with our dog, and digging through a nasty backlog […]

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Ask Me Anything

Hey, lookitthat – my first two questions from Tumblr and Formspring Ask Me Anything. Anonymous on Formspring asked “Hey 🙂 I am based in London and saw your blog. I feel we are at the same stage of discovering the BDSM world. I just wanted to say you are luck to have a supportive boyfriend! […]

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I would love to get tied up and put at the mercy of a Dom. I’ve been tied up once – with some thin rope spread eagle on a hotel bed while candle wax was dripped on me for every wrong answer in a trivia game. I got a lot of wrong answers. Something about […]

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My Twisted Brain and the Apartment Next Door

So my next door apartment* is vacant now. One of the first things I thought of was how fun it would be to get a bunch of kinksters to go in on it and turn it into a big private playspace. Completely impractical and highly unlikely, but it would be fun. 🙂 * Incidentally – […]

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It comes in cycles

So I put up a new blog, write a few posts, and then disappear for a while. Le sigh. I’ve actually been pretty busy with work, and when I get busy with a project or set of projects that actually interest me, they tend to take all my time up because I don’t want to […]

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The boyfriend

I had a really good conversation with my better half this evening. I am officially free to do any goddamn perverse thing demanded of me), and free to submit as required.  The only catch is condoms, and if I am incapacitated, my Dom/Master/Sir may need to call/text my partner to say I’m okay.

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A Question for Myself

Physically, I can take pretty much anything. I can mentally block or accept pain (I think), or I can compartmentalize anything really weird, if it ever came up. But I think when it comes to submission, real submission, a conversation with a (really hot) Dom tonight made me wonder … Could I say, “Please punish […]

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A Little Personal History: Chat Rooms & Self-Abuse

Eventually I convinced the parents to get Internet access, and soon enough I discovered porn. This was a way to see what men looked like, to learn what I wasn’t learning about sexuality. Perhaps not the most realistic environment to learn about sex in, but it did the job. Eventually I discovered Internet Relay Chat […]

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