Open Relationships, Polyamory and U/us

Here, quick, let’s get the clichés out of the way:

  • “The heart wants what it wants.”
  • “Variety is the spice of life.”
  • “We have a lot of love to give.”

And let me skip to the end for a moment: we want to grow our family, to have a boyfriend / brother / boy / alpha / whatever; and lest anyone think that’s as simple as firing up Scruff, poly-dating isn’t any easier than mono-dating.

Sir and I have had an open relationship, more or less, for most of the years we’ve been together. There’s a lot reasons to embrace non-monogamy; for us, it gave us permission to try new things when neither of was very experienced sexually, or to just have some fun without worrying about losing each other, and I got some kink play before Sir became Sir.  For us, being Open has been beneficial because it gives us more ways to enjoy each other sexually and otherwise. Sometimes we play together, sometimes apart, but in all cases it’s reinforced our relationship together in some way.

For the last couple years, though, we’ve actually adopted the Polyamorous label more often than just “open.”  Not everyone sees a distinction, but there’s an important one for us: when we say we’re Poly, it means we’re opening our hearts to fall in love with someone. Poly for us is about creating deeper connections, building relationships, forging a life where there is more opportunity to love and be loved, to learn and be learned from.

I feel like an Open encounter is really about each person meeting their own needs, for example, “I need to get off” or “I want to experience XYZ,” but there is no vulnerability required, no risk of being emotionally hurt.  It’s about sex, and sex is about being carnal and getting off.

But Poly is about meeting each other’s needs, about investing in each other, it’s about falling in love and building a life. It asks “How can I help?” and “What can I do for you?” Sex is richer, too, because when there’s more in play, and more at stake, it bonds people together. Sure, we desire relationships because we want someone to want us like that, but also because we want to want someone else like that.

Open and Poly is not without risks, of course. It gets very easy to think that we aren’t enough for each other or that we’re not getting what we need from each other. But that’s not it, actually we’re more than enough for each other, and have never been happier with each other.

But we also believe we can both become more than we are today, learn more than we know today, love in ways we haven’t thought of, and experience things that neither of us can teach the other. And sure, to reference the cliche, we have a lot to give and are open to what loving others can really bring to life, because we also know we have a lot to learn. And one of the greatest ways to love others is to allow yourself to be loved, and who doesn’t want more love in their life?

We’ve had a boyfriend in our pre-kinky days, and even though the three of us made better friends than boyfriends, it was a good experience and confirmed for Sir and me that Poly is the kind of life and relationship that is right for us. In the year or since, we’ve thought more about what the difference is, and now that we have a whole new kind of life, what it means now to grow Sir’s family.

But don’t think we have or will have specifics there, because all relationships are unique and it would take all three of us investing in each other to really sort out what works and what doesn’t and what it all means.

I know for me, I want a brother. I want to serve Sir alongside another. I want to recite Sir’s mantra in unison with a brother while we’re both collared for the night. I want to cuddle at his feet when we watch movies. I want to fill our King-sized bed and make breakfast for three while they sleep in. I want Sir to be flanked at the bar by two boys who are devoted to him. I want company while Sir is out at his gaming nights, and Sir to have company while I’m traveling for work. Maybe thats a fellow boy in service, maybe that’s an alpha brother that I serve in addition to Sir and who serves Sir as well as I do. Maybe it’s some unique blend or mix we haven’t thought of.

The structure of relationships change over time, and it would be foolhardy to say “this is exactly what we want.”  But it’s also foolhardy to not acknowledge what we want and be open about it, and see what life brings us.

Any sort of relationship like this will develop over time. Sir and I have moved too fast before (more than once), we’ve been catfish’d before, we’ve gotten our hopes up before, and we’ve moved too fast,  and it doesn’t end well, because relationships need time to grow. Dating a third is like dating anyone else, you go on dates, you try things out, you talk, you explore, you sit quietly and cuddle, you scream and fuck, but most of all, you simply get to know each other and see what works. No rush, no expectations, no agenda. Just be sweet.

Update: I hesitate a bit to publish this because, frankly, I don’t want to scare anyone in my/our life into thinking we have deep expectations. So I guess, if we hang out, don’t think we have expectations or ulterior motives. But this is just a snapshot of what we’re feeling in our life, and hey, I guess you never know what’s possible. 

Comments (2)

  1. This is a really nice post and gave me a great deal to think about because I believe this is where my husband and I are going as well since “open” seems so, well, open and we do want a few strings here and there.

  2. I read it and I love it. Congratulations

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *