Embracing My Shy Side

I want to do so much.

And aside from the occasional concern about safety and all that jazz, I don’t have a lot of hang-ups, sexually. My biggest problem is that I’m “shy” – which I’ve made mention of in passing before. Mainly, though, I’m shy socially. Not a lot of self confidence. I think I’m unpretty, not svelte, not the kind of guy gayboys spend time on, which is a silly thing to be concerned about since gayboys aren’t my type to begin with. But I was one of those kids that was picked last for kickball and generally not part of the crowd growing up, and something of that has always stuck with me.

In London a few days ago, the hubster wanted to go to a gay bar, and I basically freaked. The whole concept of gay bars intimidates me, and we were only at the freakin’ Admiral Duncan, which on a Tuesday night is a pretty low-key non-intimidating place. I don’t know what I get so worked up about, but until I’ve had a drink or two, I just can’t relax.

So I’m working on getting over it, because that’s stupid, really. I was chatting with a guy last night and said something about how there’s all these things I want to get into and try and yes I’d love to get tied up, flogged, caged or otherwise abused and sure it’ll happen some day but “there’s no rush.” His reply was “of course there’s a rush, life is limited.” Which I may or may not agree with but it made me think to myself there is no reason to put off what I know I want to do and try and be.

Actually, it’s not what I want, it’s what I am. I know I’m a kinkster, a sub, a boy, a servant, a plaything, and I’m never going to really become that until I can embrace it, try it, learn it, and just fucking relax.

Yes, I’m shy and reserved and quiet when it comes to social settings. I don’t reach out to men on recon or fetlife or anywhere, and I should. But this is only one part of me, because in business, I’m badass. When I’m in charge, I’m the intimidating one. When I need to be “on” and impressive, I’m there. So I just need to find ways to bridge that, to get over myself and my past, and understand who I am better.

Because if I don’t learn better who I am and embrace the things that make me nervous, I’ll never live up to my potential in either my vanilla or my kinky life.

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