A Little Personal History: Learning to Masturbate

Have you ever had those kinds of moments where you think back through your life and realize that your affinity for Ken dolls, Wesley Crusher and NSYNC were all clear signs of being queer as a three dollar bill at age 7? Well, I have that same thing when it come to BDSM and kink. In. Learning to explore this part of my life, I think i should take the time to realize just how deeply ingrained this is in my life. And it all started way back as a kid, before I could even cum, and before I really understood what masturbation was.

For starters, I grew up in a Christian household (something which probably leads to a lot of my tardiness in embracing myself). I was taught the science and mechanics of reproduction, but as the oldest kid and only son with a father who wasn’t around much and few friends, I didn’t really get the street smarts on sex … well, ever. So when I started to jack off, I didn’t know what it was. I wasn’t even old enough to cum yet, but I knew that it felt damned good to rub my cock on the bed, under my underwear band, whatever.

But the real point of this memory is what my fantasies were at the time. I had never seen porn, i had never seen a real cock, I’d seen almost no sex scenes in movies. But in my head, in my fantasies, I was being kidnapped and tortured for information, or being sold as a slave, or otherwise wrested from my normal life and having my life, liberty, control and will taken away. It wasn’t that i was being forced to have sex, but it was definitely losing power. I was always at risk of losing my penis or being shocked with electricity or otherwise subjected to pain unless i gave into their demands. Of course I never would.

No other fantasy would do, nothing else stirred my loins. I was a torture/pain/submission fanatic at age 10.

Soon I thought I would try acting out the fantasies in real life. With our neighborhood friends my sister and I occasionally played “school” or “house” or any other mundane daily life scenario that kids play. One day, I convinced my playmates to play “torture chamber.” Those of us who were prisoners — and of course I was one of them — were to hold onto the headboard as if we weeded chained to a rack or wall. Meanwhile our torturers would tickle our bare feet until … well we didn’t get very far after we realized we had no plot to our story, and no sexual understanding to realize what could someday come next.

And yet, I was braver as a pre-pubescent child than I have been as a professional, self-aware, out of the closet gay man.

For the life of me i can’t figure out why I ever started down this path. I cant recall any particular thing that triggered these thoughts at first. If I think about it some, I can see how my need for control and my need to always perform at my best has been with me ever since I was a kid. We moved around a lot, and I was slow to make friends, and I had pants who expected good grades and better behavior. So I was good at being in control. Is it possible that my subconscious was rebelling against that even as a kid?

In any case, this is where it all started – in my bedroom, at night, before I even knew what I was doing.

Comment (1)

  1. Peter

    That’s so similar to me.

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