A Little Personal History: Chat Rooms & Self-Abuse

Eventually I convinced the parents to get Internet access, and soon enough I discovered porn. This was a way to see what men looked like, to learn what I wasn’t learning about sexuality. Perhaps not the most realistic environment to learn about sex in, but it did the job. Eventually I discovered Internet Relay Chat – IRC, a system of chat rooms separate from the Web, and accessible with the right software, but a whole world of any interest (sex and otherwise). Eventually I found #gaydads4sons … it was basically a chat room for the Dom/sub crowd. Along with the chat rooms where I could download all the porn I wanted, I was hooked. I logged on every night.

I chatted with anyone who was older. I upgraded my age a bit, tried different personas, became a master of cybersex. The mental stimulation, the fantasy, the imaginative sessions – it was a whole new world. I learned a lot about kink and BDSM and fetish in those days. Eventually, I did more than just cyber – I started actually doing what I was told.

I didn’t have any sex toys, of course. But I found all sorts of things around the house that could be perverted into kinky good times. Tools from the garage, food from the fridge, shoelaces, rubber bands, clothespins, binder clips. This is when I discovered a fondness for candles and wax. (It’s also when I discovered how awful Ben-gay on the penis can be.) I was pushing my own limits. I was getting as kinky as a teenager from a repressed religious household could get. I dragged the computer outside and risked getting caught. I tried phone sex. My first anal experience was with the plastic plunger handle (it was even ribbed). I tied shoestring around my balls and then to each angle, so if I spread my feet wider it wound tighter around my sack.

At the time, I was living in two worlds. At night, when everyone else had gone to bed, I stayed up late, logged on, and got off on what seemed like debased and vile activities. I kept all of this to myself, I never mentioned it, never tried anything with anyone, never considered that this would be anything other than a phase.

But when I think back over those days, I realize I was a braver teen than I ever have been an adult. I told myself as a kid when I grew up and got a credit card, I’d subscribe to the porn sites. I even said I’d submit to a Master or play in real life. But it took me years to even get butt plugs … I only bought rope and clothespins a few months ago (and still haven’t used them). I’d like to find that wonder and willingness I once had now that I’m independent, self-aware, and more understanding of myself and what’s going on.

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